Do you avoid conflict at all costs? Conform to the expectations of others? Worry about the needs and preferences of others above your own? Are you over accommodating or adaptive for fear of ruffling feathers? Have trouble asserting yourself or setting boundaries? Do you have difficulty saying “No” or disagreeing with others? Do you chastise yourself or worry that others may judge you negatively, or worse yet…uncover your fraudulence? Are you constantly “should-ing” on yourself or wondering if you are a bad person? Do you feel guilty for advocating for yourself or “gasp!”, doing something nice for yourself? Do you even know who you would be or what you would be doing without these self imposed conditions?? If the answer is yes, to any of the above, you may be suffering from one or all of the anxiety trifecta of people pleasing, perfectionism, and “goodism” ( the moral version of perfectionism coined by Sarno). Dr. Sarno recognized certain personality behaviors and chronic thought patterns in his patients, which he later termed the “Type T” (TMS) personality profile. He found that people possessing these traits were at a far higher risk of developing somatic pain disorders, due to the fact that they have the tendency to generate tremendous inner stress, pressure, and tension on a daily basis. As a recovering worrier in all three traits (amongst others…Rome wasn’t built in a day after all!), I could often relate to the characters like Elaine (and her cringeworthy dancing) on the show “Seinfeld”, but in one episode, I remember empathizing with George. “The Masseuse” featured a storyline in which Jerry is dating a massage therapist whose dislike of George is palpable. This creates so much anxiety for George that he becomes obsessed and complains to his own girlfriend Karen “I wanna know what I did to this woman.” Karen is baffled and responds, “What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn’t like you. Does everyone have to like you?” George answers, “Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me! I MUST be liked!”. For the rest of the episode, George is driven to extremes to seek approval from an acquaintance, rather than accepting, being at peace with himself, and focusing on connecting in his real relationships.
We don’t need to change our entire personalities or uproot our lives to reverse the pain strategy, but we do need to become aware of our traits, our habitual thought patterns that these traits engender, and how they interact with our life situations. Once we are aware, we can catch ourselves and switch out of these traits or make different choices. The false core belief that so many of harbor, is that we are not good enough, and therefore we must meet certain standards of acceptability, in order to stave off judgment. This façade we present to the world gives us the illusion of safety. It makes us feel bullet proof or beyond reproach, but unfortunately, what seems like a protective mechanism becomes our prison….an exhausting, unsustainable way of life that breeds resentment and self betrayal. What starts out as an attempt to change ourselves in order to be loved, ironically prevents us from genuine relationships. It becomes a tightrope walk of constant fear of our true self slipping out and subsequent rejection. The symptoms in your body are the messenger. They are indicators of how you are being on a moment to moment basis…”a cry from the soul”. The question is, will you receive the communication and free yourself from the tyranny of the “should” ? Will you decide that dropping the mask to be authentic is worth it in the long run? Can you be honest with yourself and start living in accordance with your true values and desires? Can you talk back to that inner critic and tell it to “shut the hell up!” once and for all? Can you treat yourself with the same compassion you would give to a dear friend? Can you use the word “no” as a full sentence? These choices may feel risky at first, but they are risks well worth taking, because the alternative is far more painful. Besides, what is a little discomfort compared to what you have already endured? Nothing! When we heal the relationship with ourselves, cessation of symptoms is the happy by product. Sammy Davis Jr., crooned it best, “I can’t be right for somebody else, If I’m not right for me….I gotta be free, I just gotta be free….Daring to try, to do it or die…I gotta be me.”
Leave a Reply