Occasionally, I get questions from the readers about past emotional trauma and benefits of digging into the traumatic past. Often people find that facing their painful past causes them even more pain, and they choose to shut the door on it again, thus pushing their emotional pain out of their conscious mind and finding themselves back with more physical pain. They may not realize that they are not mentally and emotionally ready to face the painful past yet – until they learn the art of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is often interpreted as forgiving those who hurt us for what they have done. It may work in some cases, as some people hurt us unintentionally, and would have themselves asked for forgiveness if they could. But often it is not the case. How do you forgive somebody who hurt you knowingly, would that mean releasing them of the responsibility for the pain they caused us and giving them permission to do the same again?
It took me years of going around in circles until I understood that forgiveness does not mean giving a permission to the person who hurt you to do what they have done, it is rather a permission you give to yourself to rise above the past hurt and leave it behind. It is a permission to yourself to no longer feel a victim and learn how not allow the hurt to happen to you again, how to stand up for yourself in the future. It is easier to do if the perpetrator is no longer part of your life, but if the person is still around and is continuing to hurt you, your task is harder, as you need to learn in real time how to set the boundaries so they would not hurt you again. To sum it up, the act of forgiveness is an act of self-compassion, not an act of letting the perpetrator off the hook.
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